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Continuing Student
Scholarships & Awards
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Atlas Award
One award of $3,000 is given to the man
who's been through more shit than he can handle, but handles it
nonetheless. Note: Award is not gender-specific, but the title
makes more sense when it is.
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Dating Queen Memorial Scholarship
One $3,500 award is given to a woman who has dated a ton of guys.
To be completely certain, all of the applicant's former boyfriends
are simultaneously placed on a flatbed trailer and weighed.
I Quit Award
Award of $1,000 is presented to a student who has quit at least
five jobs. Applicants who have either told off their boss, walked
out in the middle of a shift, or sabotaged office equipment before
leaving receive special consideration. Award is not renewable
since the winner usually drops out before the semester's end.
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The Parasite Award
Awarded to the man or woman who's always around when they need
you. The winner's friends all have to fork out $25.
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Starlady Psychic Detective Award
Each year, Spirituality majors are given
a mysterious campus crime to solve using only their uncanny connection
to the Spirit World. The scholarship is awarded to the candidate
who solves the crime without later being convicted of committing
it.
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You Are So Beautiful To Me Award
Each year, an ugly old man who lives near campus awards $500 to
a young lass willing to give him a gentle kiss. Supposedly, his
hideous transformation occurred after a spiteful witch cursed
him for messing up her taxes. Depending on who you hear the rumor
from, a kiss from the right lady will break the spell and turn
him back into a normal man, a handsome prince, a CEO for a large
profitable company, or a frog.
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