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New Student
Scholarships & Awards
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The Alice B. Toklas
Herbal Bake-Off Prize
Entering Culinary Arts
students are invited to submit a sample of baked goods made from
an original recipe. All entries must be baked with marijuana and
will be judged on taste and potency. Each student must submit
a 10-pound sample as the entire department faculty is involved
in the judging process. The winner will be notified eventually
and will have to submit a second sample for the award ceremony
dinner.
Assistant Manager Drone Award
Prize is divided among six students who
are equally willing to follow orders, however stupid they may
be. Award money is exactly enough to make you take it.
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Glamma Epsilon Pi 
Sorority Scholarship
Each fall, Glamma
Epsilon Pi reviews the headshots of all the female freshmores
who could be popular if they didn't look so trashy. The three
most promising girls each receive $250 for a haircut to make a
good impression on the first day of school. Award recipients are
not guaranteed membership in the sorority.
I Am Fabulous &
I Like to Diet Memorial Scholarship
Awarded to an entering freshmore who has
been dieting for at least seven years. Winner is usually a bone-thin
girl who thinks she's way too fat. Award money comes from an endowment
established by a supermodel who literally vanished into thin air.
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Intellectually Tortured Award
Goes to the student who is so damn smart
they can't even stand it. Winner tends to know every little fact
recorded by personkind since written records were first kept.
A past recipient of this award warns future winners to remember
that "nobody likes it if you're smarter than they are, so
prepare to be very unpopular."
d the other 32 New Student Awards only in the book!
Mr. Fancypants Memorial Scholarship
One award of $500 is given annually to
a man who's always overdressed. Award money cannot be spent on
more clothes.
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Queen of the Bitchy Dykes Award
Extra-large award given to the young woman
who is so aggressive and angry that she intimidates even construction
workers and professional football players. Winner does not have
to be lesbian, but everyone must assume that she is.
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The Whistle Blower Award
Prize goes to an outstanding young journalist who published the
most shocking exposé about his or her high school administration.
Winner receives a full scholarship to any college or university
except this one.
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