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[+]DDivision
of Science
Degree: Bachelor of Applied Living (BAL)
The Life Science major will teach you how to handle everything that could possibly happen to you in this crazy world. You just won't find these classes at reputable and accredited institutions. Our Life Science faculty has been compiling this secret information for years. We offer you a simple road map to life. You'll never be caught unprepared again. All the wisdom and painful experience of countless other people can be easily transferred to you just by attending class and pretending to listen.
LSR101RIntroduction to Immobility
LSR119RLife-Saving Emergency Drills
LSR121RSurvival in the Urban Age
LSR131RLearning to Think
LSR141RLaundry Management
LSR151RMessage Maintenance
LSR201RCold Smoking
LSR211RIdentifying Sexual Preference
LSR261RReunion Preparation
LSR295R9 to 5 Grind
LSR301RMen's Health - Hair Loss
LSR302RWomen's Health - Weight Loss
LSR311RBad into Worse
LSR333RA Million Tips for Everything
LSR401RLife With a Capital L
LSR407RModern Parenting
LSR411RStreetcorner War
LSR420RPot Tasting
LSR441RDiscount Bargain Basement
LSR451RThe Memory Warehouse
LSR456RLife Science PracticumT[Prac. defined]
LSR461RSocial Flow Chart
LSR499RLiving in Debt
LSR501RIntroduction to Metallurgy
LSR507RKeys to a Successful Life
LSR509REnjoying Unemployment
LSR511RNight People
LSR531RMortgaging Your Future
LSR541RCrime Line
LSR555RCommon Courtesy
LSR559RLearning to Live in a Mess
LSR561RLife After College
LSR599RPostmodern Coffee
S
LS 101 INTRODUCTION TO IMMOBILITY
Live the life of a big fat lazy pig. Learn dozens of convincing
excuses to stay in bed for weeks or months at a time. Trick loved
ones into hand-feeding you up to 10 meals per day. Course materials
include a flowchart of undiagnosable "mystery" illnesses,
and a special guest lecturer will deliver (via internet) a safe
and easy step-by-step guide to self-induced psychosomatic paralysis. Note: Students must be willing to gain up to 800 pounds.
LS 211 IDENTIFYING SEXUAL
LS 211 PREFERENCE
Learn to differentiate between your homosexual and heterosexual
urges. You can finally be positive about which bars, music, and
clothes you really like best. You'll even get to develop appropriate
conversational skills. Learn who you can trust and who you should
hate with a blind rage. Read about horrifying cases of heterosexual
discrimination, and learn why homosexuals have higher disposable
incomes. Fee required for admission to local dance clubs Dorothy's
Rainbow and Jigglers.
S
LS 302 WOMEN'S HEALTH -
LS 302 WEIGHT LOSS
The popular female body type has always been evolving. We'll start
with the classically beautiful "plump" woman and show
you why no one would touch her with a pole anymore. These days,
being thin is everything, and there are enough hefty suicides
around to prove it. Taught by a certified Malnutrition Therapist,
course will evaluate your current lifestyle and teach you ways
to reduce your total mass. Learn about magical foods like celery
which actually have negative calories; how liposuction can take
the hassle out of traditional dieting; and why pills and starvation
diets aren't just trendy fads. Learn how to avoid costly doctor
bills by stapling your stomach at home with a common desktop stapler.
LS 599 POSTMODERN COFFEE
For students who are confused by all the frappas, cappas, mochas,
ccinos, itas, essos, lattes, and freddos, and are tired of having
poorly dressed and multipierced twentysomethings sneer every time
they meekly say, "I just want a normal coffee." Learn
the fine art of coffeehousing, from pronunciation to caffeine
content, with a brief introduction to popular and pricey coffeehouse
desserts. Plus, learn why grande actually means "very, very
expensive." Note:
Official course Latté Mugs are available in the University
Megastore.