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Financial Aid
Fees
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Types of Financial Assistance
There are five basic forms of Financial
Aid.
Category 1: Unimaginable Wealth
For a select few, paying for their schooling is as easy as asking
mom or dad to write a check. Students who elect this option don't
really care about their education as they have nothing personally
invested in it. Students should be aware that the price of unimaginable
wealth is steep. Quite often, they graduate only to end up as
another bratty executive in the family business. Also, they have
to be permanently suspicious that everyone is out to usurp their
fortune. Students who currently live in poverty should take heart.
There are ways of breaking into this category of financial aid.
The most common are marriage and/or starting a mail order catalog
business.
Category 2: Grants
This is free money. No strings attached. The money is given to
you in one beautiful lump sum. There are no restrictions on how
to use it. Grants are very similar to winning a contest, sweepstake,
or drawing. The day you spend your grant money on things you don't
really need may be the best day of your life. Needless to say,
grants are the rarest form of all financial aid.
Category 3: Scholarships
Although scholarships don't usually have to be paid back either,
they just aren't as much fun as grants. First, you have to earn
the money. This is usually accomplished by being able to do something
better than someone else. Second, it is followed by relentless
interviewing and judging. Everything you do, say, eat, wear, or
think can affect your chances of receiving a scholarship. Even
years later, the group or organization who sponsored it can make
a claim to your knowledge. Don't be surprised if they show up
at your place of employment to administer a pop quiz. Although
a hassle, scholarships are plentiful and especially useful for
minority students. For a list of current scholarships you probably
won't qualify for please see Awards: New
Student, Continuing Student,
or Transfer Student Scholarships.
Category 4: Loans
If you're thinking about applying for a loan, make sure to practice
signing your name over and over and over again. The reasoning
is, the more times you sign it, the more money you get. Loans
are a financial award too, however, they aren't the sort of award
you really want to win. By taking out a loan, you swear to pay
the money back two or three times over. Think of it as a penalty
for not really living up to your full potential in high school.
If only you had tried a little harder and drank less beer you
could have qualified for awards from categories 2 or 3.
Category 5: Spiritual Refinancing
Students who are too dumb to qualify for a grant or scholarship
and would rather not have annoying creditors call and leave threatening
messages on their answering machines for the rest of their lives,
can make arrangements to refinance their soul or the soul of a
firstborn child. The money you receive for your soul(s) is a flat
fee and does not have to be repaid in this lifetime. The payment
can vary widely depending upon the condition and moral lineage
of the soul(s) in question. Applicants must provide proof of their
birth and sign a disclaimer stating that no other being, person,
or entity has an outstanding legal claim or obligation to the
aforementioned soul(s). If this option even remotely interests
you please make an appointment to talk with the Assistant Director
of Financial Aid today.
The Ethics Fee
Students who are pursuing a degree in the Ethics
Department and are willing to pay double the regular tuition
price for their course load will not have to actually participate
in classes - we'll just give you the credits. However, you must
agree never to tell anyone about this arrangement upon risk of
accidental death or a large financial penalty, or, in extreme
cases, both. Students are also advised to be careful for what
they wish for. Offer not available to any other Program of Study.
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The Price of Progress
This fee is assessed for each student on an individual basis.
The cost may range from over-population to industrial pollution,
from global warming to global annihilation. Students don't have
to pay until much later in their lives, but students and non-students
alike are encouraged to do whatever they can to minimize the Price
of Progress.