|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Campus Facilities
S
Keneesha Rae Auditorium
Originally built for a weekend novelty car expo, the Keneesha
Rae Auditorium was annexed by the Board of Trustees in 1972. It
is a cherished meeting space for the entire University.
Many organizations meet, practice-in, or otherwise utilize the auditorium on a weekly basis. On a typical day, you'll see actors, musicians, mobsters, even future dictators mingling outside the front entrance. The auditorium also plays host to a number of annual events, including: The Really Bad Battle of the Polka Bands, The Third-Run Film Festival, and Weekend of Amateur Magicians. Every other summer, the auditorium is proud to sponsor Glamourella, a combination beauty pageant skincare product trade-show stage-show.
Finally, there's an interesting historical footnote about the auditorium's namesake, a Miss Keneesha Rae Formica. Miss Formica, an exchange student from Zaire, was needlessly killed when a gigantic mushroom fell on her head. Ironically, Miss Formica herself designed the huge shroom for the Drama Club's modernized production of Alice in Wonderland, which, like most theatrical reinterpretations, was iffy at best. After the show closed, the mushroom was seized by local authorities as evidence and has never been seen or heard from again.
S
Le Bibliothèque
Until recently, the University of Psychogenic Fugue had one of
the most extensive collections of rare books in the world, not
to mention a healthy assortment of relatively common ones too.
Unfortunately, the original library was accidentally burned to
the ground during the "Reading Fires the Imagination" literacy rally
and celebrity weenie roast.
Since books were on their way out anyway, the University's highest paid Librarian proposed a new and improved paperless library. Instead of traditional (highly flammable) books, the new library has thousands of books on tape read by popular actors, and even a small collection of movies based on books. Several hundred books are available for review on microfilm, CD-ROM, and DVD. Remember, since the new library was literally built on the ashes of the old one, don't wear nice shoes if you plan on visiting the basement.
At a cost of 22 million dollars, the library posed quite a funding challenge. The bi-weekly Xi Xi Lactic (XXL) all-girl wet T-shirt car wash helped a lot. But the bulk of the money came from our first ever alumni silent auction. University officials dug through old files to find embarrassing and/or incriminating information and/or photographs about successful former students. Funding representatives then contacted qualified alumni and requested donations in exchange for continued silence.
Due to the nature of this type of fundraiser, all of the donors declined to be listed as benefactors. They also insisted that under no circumstances should the University name the library after them. So the drive was on to find a name for the new library.
Predictably, some idiot in the Office of Public Disinformation got the bright idea to hold a contest with local second-graders. Whoever read the most books would get to name the library. Later that year, with the structure complete as it ever would be, the University hosted a gala grand opening party. The highlight of the evening was when Miss Shasta Marie Everret-Eddington of Betsy Ross Elementary #12 cut the ribbon on the brand new My Pretty Pony Memorial Libary.
Fortunately, Ms. Everret-Eddington's reign as champion was later cut short when it was discovered she had posed for Highlights magazine. Consequently, the library reverted to the first runner-up's fancy French-sounding name, Le Bibliothèque.
S
University Megastore
The University Megastore is more than just a gift shop, it's a
living symbol of marketing and consumerism gone mad. Inside this
hulking three story monolith of concrete and asbestos there are
six elevators, nine escalators, twenty-three cash registers, and
two part-time student employees. The entire structure was built
on the site of the much smaller Junkyard Jamboree, which was destroyed
when it literally burst at the seams.
The University Megastore is where eager students and proud parents can find shirts, jackets, jocks, socks, caps, cups, mugs, pens, pencils, pinwheels, aprons, paperweights, seashells, beach towels, backpacks, headbands, tote bags, banners, bumper stickers, cuckoo clocks, and glow in the dark condoms proudly emblazoned with the UPF logo.
One of the most popular items in the gift shop is the "Santiago Family Album," a charming history of the University's indentured servants. The book contains photos and illustrations of nine generations of immigrant gardeners as well as personal stories recounted in vividly broken English. Visitors may also purchase postcards, magnets, posters, and viewmaster disks featuring images of foreign children as young as four years old toiling in the University Thorn Garden.
For the upscale souvenir hunter, the University Megastore offers the complete Christmas Campus Collection of snow-covered ceramic miniatures. These hand-painted replicas of actual campus buildings are authentic in every detail, right down to the windows that won't open and lights that don't work. You may also special order a chess set featuring poseable pewter pieces cast in the likenesses of the Board of Trustees.
The University Megastore also serves as a welcome
and information center for tourists and visitors. Both of our
student workers are as friendly and courteous as any stranger
on the street in Manhattan, and nearly as well-informed.
Terrafield Planetarium
Due to a minor purchasing error, the Terrafield Planetarium is
equipped with a three million dollar state-of-the-art high resolution
kaleidoscope. Yearly "Festival of Kaleidoscopes" brings
visitors to campus from all over the galaxy. Participants get
to look through a very big kaleidoscope and see a very, very pretty
pattern.
Additionally, the planetarium hosts special events during eclipses, meteorite showers, cosmic convergences, and alien invasions.
Each day, the planetarium opens just after sunset and closes right before sunrise. Contact Dr. Eliot Vlad, Director of Operations, for further information or to make Festival reservations. He can usually be found in his office located directly underneath the planetarium in a forgotten tomb.