Statistics courtesy Campus Security.
See Footnotes below.

UPF Crime Statistics
Chart proves beyond a shadow of a reasonable doubt that campus is a statistically safe place. Just like the stock market, almost all of our numbers keep going up and down. Since Campus Security doesn't have a crystal ball, these statistics do not include unreported incidents. Margin of error +/- 5 points.

Last
Year
Before That

Flash Back
 Acts of Treason  37 26 12
 Homocides  0 0 2*
 Sexual Deviants  69 22 45
 Purses Snatched  16 14 8
 Pockets Picked  73 22 37
 Cars Jacked  ** ** 8
 Bicycle Thieves  3 2 1
 Aggravated Staff  74 75 76
 Stolen Hearts***  214 155 99
 Stalkings  36 24 36
 Muggings+  3 3 3
 Maimings  0 0 1.5
 Misnomers  336 240 127
 Grand Felonies++  9 14 22
 Hate Crimes  6 6 6
 Love Crimes  48 69 24
 Crimes of Indifference  2 4 1
 Crimes Against Nature  64 16 4
     
 ARRESTS      
 Drinking Violations  289 275 190
 Party Violations  65 43 51
 Weapons Violations  2 4+++ 6
 Reserved for
Future Crimes		      
 

* SSVictims were roommates and "confirmed
* SSbachelors," incident rumored to have been
* SSa double suicide.

**S These statistics mysteriously vanished;
**S they were last seen in the backseat of
**S a security officer's Honda Prelude.

***SIncludes organs stolen to be sold
***Son the black market.

+SSCampus Security vows to catch this unknown
+SSassailant who has struck 3 times a year
+SSfor the past 27 years.

++SIncludes students who threatened, harassed,
++Sor beat up participants of the Gifted Kids Program.

+++SReported incident turned out to be a squirt
+++Sgun/ water pistol fight, so charges were
+++Sformally dropped.

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