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Academic Policies
Grading Policies
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Independent Study
This mode of learning allows students to design their own course
of study, set course objectives, and choose their own workload
and grading system. If this sounds too good to be true, it isn't.
The independent student does not attend a single class; he or
she must simply convince one professor to sign a little slip of
blue paper claiming to have met with the student for relevant
discussions on a weekly basis.
Note: Course names like The Art of Beer Drinking or Applied Sexuality will no longer be approved, so students are encouraged to think of more cleverly deceptive names.
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Courses Numbered 456, 457, 458
The Registrar's assistant has officially designated all University
classes numbered 456, 457, or 458 to be 2-credit Practicum courses.
These non-lecture classes use a practical (hence the name) hands-on
approach to learning. Since faculty advisors for these "independent
study" classes will not constantly hound you about shoddy
assignments or missed deadlines, it is your responsibility to
complete your work or project in a timely fashion. Remember, just
because you don't have to get lectured at and sit in an uncomfortable
desk in a room that always seems too warm, doesn't mean the Practicums
are any less academically strenuous. Although the fact that you
can complete a majority of your work naked (or in your underwear
if you prefer) is certainly a mark on the plus-side.
Every department has at least one Practicum course, although they're not all available on UPF online. To read them all, get a copy of the book.
CA 456 Culinary Arts Practicum
FT 457 Film Practicum
GS 456 Science Practicum
PS 456 Psych Practicum
SP 456 Spirituality Practicum
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Examinations
Every course is required to hold a final examination during the
last week (or so) of each semester in accordance with a complex
schedule issued by the Registrar's assistant. However, when final
examinations are inappropriate because the instructor fears everyone
will fail, exceptions to this requirement may be made.
Note: The faculty are no longer allowed to issue final tests, then not even read them just to go on vacation sooner.
The final testing period will be exactly 3 hours in length. Students who require more time should realize it's hopeless. Students who finish early are strongly encouraged to spend the extra time correcting, improving, and proofing their exam. Students who refuse to do this because they think they're so smart will not be allowed to leave early. Rather, they must sit perfectly still and silent with their hands behind their heads until the instructor calls time.
At the beginning of the exam period, students will be issued the cutest little blue books the University can afford. Students should immediately put their name and University ID number on the first page of the testing booklet. Many students don't realize how important this is and frequently forget to do it. Since the University doesn't trust you, students may not wear bulky jackets, trench coats, hats, or wrist-watch calculators to the exam. Backpacks, books, purses, wallets, jewelry, and all transceiving equipment are also prohibited and must be checked at the door.
Students are encouraged to thoroughly prepare themselves for the grueling testing procedure. Students should definitely get a good night's sleep before the exam. For a small fee, Valium is available from the Health Hut. Students are warned that Valium, alcohol, and other illicit substances don't mix well.
On the morning of the exam, students should cook a nutritious well-balanced breakfast, exercise for at least twenty minutes, then clear their mind and be one with the universe. Students should remember to bring at least two well-sharpened pencils with them to the testing facility. Instructors will not issue "loaners."
During the final exam, students are not allowed to leave their seats for any reason whatsoever. This includes: getting a drink of water, going to the bathroom, taking your insulin injection, nursing your baby, or referring to well-hidden crib sheets.
At their own discretion, instructor's may burn or return final exams.
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Academic Probation
Students will be placed on Academic Probation when their low test
scores endanger the University's federal funding subsidies. A
student on Academic Probation, called a Probie, will be required
to prove that he or she is not as stupid as he or she seems.
Each Probie must report weekly to a probation officer to discuss what he or she has learned, and may be subjected to random IQ tests. Upon testing negative for IQ, the offending student is placed on Probie Parole and forced to wear an unfashionable anklet. By transmitting data to a vast network of University satellites, the anklet allows the Academic Parole Board to track the subject's every move. The Board then tallies the number of inexplicable things the Probie does and issues a verdict of either Utterly Hopeless, Painfully Dumb, or Brilliantly Misunderstood. The appropriate label is then written in large letters on the very front page of the Probie's permanent academic record.
Students on Academic Probation may not leave the state without the approval of the Board of Trustees. This includes all spontaneous road trips. Repeat offenders are also required to wear a dunce cap for the remainder of their Academic Parole.
Furthermore, students on Academic Probation may lose their awards and scholarships at the sole discretion of the Office of Financial Aid.
Breaking Academic Parole is a very serious offense and could result in suspension and/or expulsion from the University. Your parental units and/or legal guardian(s) will also be notified.
Note: You are hereby forbidden from intercepting the letter in the mail.
Changing Majors
Students who wish to change majors must do so at their own risk.
The best course of action is to seek official asylum from the
ambassador of the department you wish to enter. If you were particularly
good in the Program of Study you defected from (or that department
is in danger of losing its funding), your old professor may attempt
to kidnap you. It is the responsibility of your new department
to provide protection, including, but not limited to, bodyguards,
identity changes, cosmetic surgery, or magnetic shoes
In rare cases, a student may be forced to change majors involuntarily. The exact procedures involved will be further outlined if or when this should happen.
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Pass/Fail
Students who just want to know if they're good or bad may take
two classes Pass/Fail. Neither of the classes may be from your
major area of study. In lieu of the instructor's specific grading
system, you will only receive a mark of Pass or Fail. Students
who need to know specifically how good or how bad they are should
not select this option.
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Withdrawal Policy
In order to Withdraw (W) from a class prior to Midterm, a student
must simply approach the professor after class and say, "I
withdraw from thee" three times, then spit on the floor.
Since the faculty contracts were renegotiated in 1990, students
must now wipe up their own spit.
To withdraw from a class after Midterm, students must move to Reno, Nevada and live on a communal ranch for the remainder of the semester. There is a one-week grace period during which teary-eyed students may call their ex-professors long distance and beg to be taken back.